This is a picture of Jessica (my training partner) and I before the Backyard Burn series, a foot race in the woods of Virginia, i.e., a place I would never go alone. Would you believe I won that race? My competitors couldn’t believe it either.
No one has ever feared me as a competitor because I don’t look the part–I’m not super skinny and I don’t wear Lululemon headbands. While it was once an ego crusher, now, I embrace this nescience. I like the idea that no one expects me to win so I make it a point to appear even more “loser-like”.
If you follow the steps below (I have honed and perfected them for your using), you will both confuse and beat your competitor.
The first three steps are designed to trick the nudnicks into thinking you’re slow. The last five steps aren’t tricks rather tools essential to your victory.
8 Ways to Win A Race and Fool Your Competitors
1. Wear baggy clothing. Pick an oversized top that makes you look pregnant so no one sees the six pack lurking beneath. Notice in the picture how Jessica is wearing a fitted tank and short set. She looks like a runner; I look knocked up. No one considers me a threat.
2. Ask Questions. The more mindless the better. “Can I go to the bathroom now or do I have to hold it? Who are these other people? Do I stop at the end or keep going?” Done correctly, it works. If you laugh, break eye contact, or stutter, you will ruin everything.
3. Get Emotional. Furrow your brow, squint your eyes, ball up your fists, or tear up a little. This behavior signals to others you are unstable, tense, and (drum roll, please) not going to win. Fast people are calm. Your goal is to appear the opposite.
Now, the things you MUST do to claim the victory.
4. Train Hard. It’s not sexy but it’s the truth. Genetics get you to mile one. Hard work gets you to mile one faster. Replace your weekly wine tasting activities with intervals and speed work. This is your money maker/bread and butter/coup de grace.
5. Warm Up. This is a widely neglected rule so ignore it if you enjoy losing. Contrary to popular belief, warming up doesn’t make you more tired. It prepares you for battle. Forego it and you’ll spend part of the race doing it. Bad idea! What’s a good warm up? Jog lightly for 10 minutes then do 5-7 strides.
6. Start in Front. Go to any start line in Metro DC and you’ll find Ethiopians, Russian princesses, and 95lb pound powerhouses ready to take names. Fast forward to the finish line and watch one of the aforementioned bust through the tape. Meb Keflezighi doesn’t start in the back and neither should you.
7. Believe in yourself.
8. Have fun. You love running and everything it brings: pretty calf muscles, bright shoes laces, and VO2 maximus. Run with heart and you’ll go far.
Go get ‘em champ. I love you!
Did I miss anything? What strategies do you use to destroy the competition?
Angel, I laughed SO HARD at the ‘fooling the competitors’ part. You are insanely funny!!
@Heidi. I make jokes but it’s all true. I would never tell you something that didn’t work. This stuff works, lil one!
Hmmm…while I see what you mean about looking knocked up, I’m pretty sure you still look like the speedy little ninja that you are, specially wearing all black. I wear loose shirts for races, but unfortunately it’s to hide something quite different than a 6 pack. A floral print moo moo… that’s what you need to not look fast.
In perfect Angel style, you make us laugh. And right as we are at the peek of maximum laughter, you drop the “T” word. This is a good strategy and all, but I think we’d really fool them if we could win a race without looking/acting the part OR TRAINING? No?!?!
An ps, irrespective of the built in fetus shirt, you still look like you could kick my butt in a race. But maybe that’s just me =P
Double ps, can you define 5-7 strides?
Any tips about how to be the first on the start line?
@Mirella, Thanks for commenting. It all depends on how big the race is/the level of competition. If you are doing the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler in DC, you don’t wanna walk to the front unless you run sub 6-minute miles. There’s something to say for confidence but it’s immoral to start in the corral where you know you shouldn’t be. And at races that large, you would have to put your estimated finish time on the application and that is usually enough to get you further front. Just make sure you belong there. If you add more intervals to your run workouts, you’ll certainly be there soon.